The President knows everything – diaries of the village idiot abroad

Vokal Da Poet’s dimwitted doppelganger, the Village Idiot, shares another hilarious excerpt from his diaries.

The President knows everything

The President knows everything

If you don’t know the truth, you must be buried. Because not knowing is the same as dying.
When Tete Mariana started knowing the truth she stopped waking up late at night around midnight to beat the floor and walls and cry and shout while praying. She started to go to a small mountain that was near the river very early every morning to pray with Madzibaba Yunia. If you climbed the mountain, you will be closer to God, and he will hear you quickly.

The nearer the better

It is like when there are two children: one standing next door and the other standing on the kitchen door, and the mother is sitting in the kitchen. If they talk, which one do you think the mother will hear? The mother will hear the one near her. So that is why they had to go and climb the mountain. And also, people did not know that at 12 o’clock, the people will still be drinking beer and making noise and playing loud music. Too much noise.
But at 4 o’clock in the morning, even the people at the beer-hall will have closed and have gone to sleep.
So you see? Madzibaba Yunia was right. God will hear everything if you climb a mountain at that time. But not everyone could go with Tete Mariana to pray in the morning. No.
She was only supposed to pray with Madzibaba Yunia alone.

Anointed stones

Madzibaba Yunia also gave Tete Mariana stones to put in plastic bottles that used to have cooking oil. And those stones were mixed with water. She had two plastic bottles. And she rained the first one everywhere using a mutsvairo (grass broom). The water made the demons afraid to come in into our house. And the other one she used to go to bath with to remove bad luck from her.
And Tete Mariana always talked about Madzibaba Yunia.
“Madzibaba Yunia said you must…” “Madzibaba Yunia said you must not…” “Today in the morning Madzibaba Yunia took out a bad demon from my body at the mountain, and I feel very good.”

Auntie and the prophet

Everything was Madzibaba Yunia. And she was spending too much time going to church. Every time it was church, no time for her to go with a hoe to the fields.
They did not have a church building because the walls and windows prevented everything from being heard by God. If you want to speak to someone who is outside your room, you go outside. Tete Mariana did not know why the Roma people and other churches did not know this.
But Satan is clever. He tricks people and prevents them from seeing the truth.
People who did not know started saying things about Tete Mariana and Madzibaba Yunia. But they did not know what Tete Mariana said to me
“Son of my brother, Madzibaba Yunia saw a vision. The world is about to end, and everyone in our church will go to heaven because Madzibaba gave everyone a holy stone that he prayed for. You must come to church with me if you want to get in in heaven.”

The truth

People did not know the truth.
Now, that is the same thing with people who do not know why the rand is falling. They talk everywhere, but they don’t know the truth. They even talk on news and on TV.
Let me tell you the truth. It is the British and Americans. People think our Zimbabwe president doesn’t know. He knows. He knows everything.
That is why he tells them the truth every time.

Conspiracy theory

Bush and Blair and the West started to see that many people were no longer living in Zimbabwe. Everyone who can work left Zimbabwe because Bush and Blair told their friends to close all factories so that there are no jobs. So everyone came here to Joburg, and they start to send rands to their relatives in Zimbabwe so that they don’t die with hunger. But because they want everyone to die, they make the rand fall so that even if you send money from Jozi, it doesn’t buy anything. That is why they make us use the Obama (US dollar) in our country. And their plan is that if everyone dies with hunger, then they will come back and take our farms (and reverse the gains of the land reform program) and take the mines and factories (and reverse the gains of the indigenisation program), and make us into slaves (and make us a colony again).

Wait – there’s more

And you know what else they did? They killed Cecil. Yes, Bush and Blair and their friends and their puppets killed Cecil.
They sent a spy to kill Cecil the Lion so that there is no money in Zimbabwe. Cecil the Lion used to make $50 000 a week for the government, because tourists came to see Cecil. So with that money government could pay people who work for government and give them bonus. And now look what happened after they killed Cecil…

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Vokal da Poet is a Zimbabwean poet. The spoken word artist has interacted, shared 4 minute memoirs, performed and created material with audiences at house shows, universities, conferences, schools, festivals, art shows… “I have performed to an audience of three, performed on a train ride, done bars and impromptu street shows.” And it is his ability to be honest that has him connecting with audiences well. Vokal DaPoet seamlessly weaves autobiography, first hand eye witness account and fiction in his spoken word presentations.

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