All posts by Philani Nyoni

When hospitals can only offer prayer

Zimbabwe’s economic crisis has has affected all sectors, not least the health sector. Philani Amadeus Nyoni narrates his experience. If I exclude the day of my birth, I can count all the times I have been in a hospital on one hand. One was both

8 things (African) people pay for…but shouldn’t

We have already established that Bibles and water should not be sold, but holy-water…Jesus man, come on, you know it’s sea-water right? Or some water prayed for by some guy? I like the Catholics, they give it out by the vats and sprinkle you with it if you happen to visit their establishments when they are in a good mood (before giving you a tot for the hangover!).

And we need that tikoloshi-vanquishing stuff in Africa because of all the ‘African WI-FI’ capabilities of mother-in-laws and satellite-dish-hating neighbours. Supply and demand economics huh? According to my Ghanaian connect, news is that there is also a new brand of religion-aids: prayer lipstick…The hashtag just went from #TIA to #WTF!

And how much does God make from all these endorsement deals? Somebody should call a lawyer…oh wait!

Five things to do when there is no ZESA

We in Zimbabwe have a rare opportunity and like my mama always said: be grateful for everything you have. How many people can run around naked in the middle of the night? Witches have been doing it for years and I assure you, it’s quite an experience. You will feel alive, the cool air permeating the hair of your nether regions, and said nethers swinging, dangling and slapping like Adam chasing Eve for a peach. I usually do my run at 20:25; five minutes before ZESA is scheduled to come back on. The course takes me 15 minutes and no one has ever seen my goods.

Load shedding: Bringing the dark to the continent

The time is gone for Africa to insist she exists in a vacuum. We need to have some standard of reasonableness in our social and political structures, which I think is the reason we keep pretending to have embraced democracy (Nigeria gets a free-pass this time around).

Let’s agree on the basics: health delivery, electricity and education can be a start, then we add WI-FI to that list later.

The illusion of empowerment

While the world was going crazy over the death of Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, a man trudged from what was his home only a month ago, chased by the government that ‘gave him the land’in the first place. Looking back, his children hung their