Queues for food outside a supermarket in 2008

A lunatic’s reflection on 2008

2008 messed me up man, it messed up my head worse than a bad weave. I was a bl**dy trillionaire (yes, I was so rich I – along with every tom dick and even Jane- earned a name that’s not in your dictionary) with nothing to buy.

Things were so hectic that I had to strangle my wife and dogs. Yes, yes, the children too. They don’t really matter because they were not yet people anyhow, almost though. The dogs I strangled out of pity. It’s not the life without my leftovers in the form of bones that I chose for them, and you could hear them whimper, yelp in shame, begging me to end their lives whenever they smelt the fart of cabbage.

Proudly Zimbabwean

Ghetto revival: everyone’s responsibility

Who then is to stay and develop what we grew up around? Definitely not our urban councils who have evidently failed already.

Looking at it, if anyone who has come from the hood and is proud of their area enough to develop them, our ghettos will not be in the sorry state they are.

How can we stand and watch while all the recreational facilities like community centres and swimming pools have been turned into places where residents go in to dump their waste, when council vehicles do not pitch to collect them?

I feel it is the duty of us as residents, as much as it is for the councils, to make our areas habitable.

A long time until checkmate

The Zimbabwean situation, with its high unemployment and rampant social decay, has led many people to desperation. Many young folk spend their time numbing their senses with cough syrup (bronco, or ingoma in our local lingo), or any other psychoactive substance they can get their hands on. Many others have resorted to sports betting as a way of making a living. Let’s not even mention the criminals.

These guys, however, are sitting in a bar, none of them imbibing (as far as I can tell), and spending their time sharpening their minds with the ultimate strategy game. The one dollar bet is just an added incentive to the players, ‘so that someone can’t say ‘I wasn’t thinking!’ as Caradine says.

Poll: Zimbabwe O’level requirements

“…I’ve been amazed by the number of requests I’m getting from students when I interact with the public. They’re saying they want to be excused from Mathematics because they’ve done subjects that have nothing to do with the subject.

“Enough is enough. We don’t think it should be possible to produce an educated person who has no Mathematics at O-Level,” said Prof Moyo.

Do you think Professor Moyo is right in imposing this requirement? Take part in our poll and tell us what you think!

Death of a national hero: RIP ZESA

Comrade Motomuzhinji received military training in Kariba and Hwange, where he excelled in the modules of Light-giving, Electrocution and Food-warming. After independence, Comrade Zesa Motomuzhinji worked in the President’s office – a euphemism for the dreaded CIO – where he assisted in the interrogation department.

The secret service owe a great deal to Comrade Zesa, who could always be trusted to persuade enemies of the state – sell-outs, collaborating with the British to destabilise the country – to divulge their deepest secrets, once a pair of electric wires were attached to their lower extremities.

Bashing gays at the UN

Did ‘the gays’ destroy our economy?

Mugabe should take a leaf from Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta, who instead told the US President Barack Obama that homosexuality is not an issue in Kenya but rather that Kenya is worried about health, infrastructure, education and development etc.

And the sooner Mugabe realises this the better, a leader ceases to be one when he fails to address the plight and aspirations of those who elected him to be president.

Poetry: speaking truth to power

The young people I saw at Shoko had a different spirit altogether. They obliged. And that they did it in the environs of the party’s headquarters was all the more admirable and joyous for me. I don’t know if the festival organisers had a brainwave in selecting the venue, or it was simply God’s sense of humour. Either way it was a masterstroke.

I always relish any occasion where the ordinary, the weak like me get an opportunity to take on the mighty. It is always a moment to savour; to see the Davids have a go at Goliath. Hopefully we may see him stutter, falter, stumble, his heart flutter and maybe even fall. At the end of the day every little blow will matter.

Five things to do when there is no ZESA

We in Zimbabwe have a rare opportunity and like my mama always said: be grateful for everything you have. How many people can run around naked in the middle of the night? Witches have been doing it for years and I assure you, it’s quite an experience. You will feel alive, the cool air permeating the hair of your nether regions, and said nethers swinging, dangling and slapping like Adam chasing Eve for a peach. I usually do my run at 20:25; five minutes before ZESA is scheduled to come back on. The course takes me 15 minutes and no one has ever seen my goods.

Load shedding: Bringing the dark to the continent

The time is gone for Africa to insist she exists in a vacuum. We need to have some standard of reasonableness in our social and political structures, which I think is the reason we keep pretending to have embraced democracy (Nigeria gets a free-pass this time around).

Let’s agree on the basics: health delivery, electricity and education can be a start, then we add WI-FI to that list later.